Wow! That’s all I can say! Wow! Anything is possible!
Received the link to this YouTube video in my e-mail today and found it interesting and informative. Always good to know more ways to possibly save a life, and this beats traditional CPR which is more complicated and requires mouth-to-mouth contact. Only drawback I see, one would have to be fairly strong and in good shape to continue chest compressions at this rate.
Call me ignorant, but I don’t even know how to un-friend somebody in Facebook. I have never searched for this option because I have never felt the need. I’m not sure what would cause me to feel the need, but so far nothing has. Nonetheless, a more Facebook savvy relative of mine knows how to un-friend and she un-friended me today. (Yes, I know that “friended” isn’t a word.) Apparently and probably (even likely), I got a little steamed up and overstepped my welcome on her page with a full paragraph retort on a political issue she posted and she felt that I was disrespectful to her personally. Guess what? I’ve decided she was right. I meant what I said, no qualms there, but I certainly could have stated my opinion in a softer fashion without attacking her personally on her own page. I hope you will forgive me, C. On the other hand, I hope you will respect and understand that I love my country and that I take America bashing very seriously.
Waving the white flag over here. Any takers?
Until today, it had been almost a year since I’d been to a theatre to watch a movie and before that time, many years. It’s not the cost of the popcorn that has kept me away but rather the not caring. I haven’t had the mental or emotional energy to endure a movie, let alone the desire to clean myself up and get out of the house on a day off for any purpose. I haven’t even been able to muster the concentration level to watch a TV program at home.
Yesterday, my sis blindsided me with a request that we go see a movie together. At first I thought, ugh, but then, of a sudden, the idea started to sound tolerable to me—not exciting, but tolerable—and I agreed before I had the chance to think about it too much. Immediately after the agreement, I began to doubt my ability to follow through. Then, in the same breath, I determined to prove myself wrong and decided that I would get my booty out of the house (with makeup on, woo hoo) and make a conscious effort to socialize and enjoy the flick. We invited my mother, who also needed to get out of the house (but for different reasons than I) and off we went, me hoping the chemicals I have been throwing down lately (namely, Pristiq and Adderall) would alter my own faulty brain chemicals enough that I could enjoy the movie.
I hate to sing the praises of a medication until it has been in my system for many months and is still working, but I am happy to state that thanks to Pristiq and a loving and caring family, at least these past several days have been awesome. I enjoyed the movie immensely. Good movie, good company and good drugs (not to mention the caffeine and the Hershey Bar I pumped into my system during the movie) made for a great day. Maybe I’ll venture out again to recreate soon, who knows, but tomorrow will be the big test. I’m back to work. Ugh!
P.S. As you might have guessed from the title of the post, we went to see Blind Side. Great movie. Go see it if you get the chance.
P.S.S. What in the world? The spell checker just informed me that I have been spelling the word caffeine, one of my favorite words in the English language, incorrectly. Hmmmmmm.
Yesterday the numbness began to subside. My mind found a point of clarity. I awoke and realized that a stuffed animal was cute and soft and warm and fuzzy and meant to be hugged. My heart softened and I wept for those loved ones that I had neglected while I was gone. A tiny rush of guilt flooded my soul until I remembered and was reassured that those who love me truly also love me unconditionally. Still, I want to remind them how much I appreciate them.
While my energy was up, I managed to sort my laundry without getting a brain cramp and going back to bed; I did four or five loads. I wrote a blog post (on my other blog) and worked on my website. I didn’t go back to bed all day which is huge since I’ve been sleeping most of my days away lately. I even took a shower and felt the urge to get out of the house and get some exercise. These may seem like tiny steps to someone with normal brain chemistry, but for me, I felt satisfaction and accomplishment as if I had climbed the highest mountain.
I’m not naive enough to attribute this sudden fog lift to Pristiq at this point. I’m just grateful.
A week is not nearly enough, but a week is what I can afford and I’m taking it. I plan to spend this week practicing every avoidance technique that I know and being productive, when I’m not sleeping (which will be most of the time), doing only silly, unnecessary things that are not too taxing. I’m just one big depressed BLOB
. What can I say? Emotionally, last year was horrible from the outset—I had to take a mental health break just as 2009 rang in—and this year is not starting any better. Two weeks into the new year and I’m having panic attacks about work, asking for time off, and sleeping the days away. Lest I sound completely morose and ungrateful, I am blessed with a wonderful, caring family, a good job (that is tolerating my mental health leaves, for now at least), an excellent doctor, and last year I happily reconnected with my pod mate
, hopefully forever*. Unconditional love is a wonderful thing. Still, depression marches on, envelopes me regardless of the realities—good, bad or indifferent–of my life, sucking the joy and even the sadness out of everything. I am numb!
In my numbness, I reached out via e-mail to my doctor Sunday and am awaiting samples of yet another new “miracle drug”. Here’s holding onto some hope that Pristiq, if God help me I ever get my hands on it, will make me feel pristine.
*(I’m just waiting for him to get some 
so he can travel halfway across the world to be with me.)
Okay, I admit it. I’m a bit of a hermit when I’m not at work. I like to stay home alone and have quiet, me time. Since I don’t watch TV, finding it to be a huge waste of time, I spend time, far too much time, on the computer. My friends enjoy teasing me, alleging that I frequent chat rooms and use my web cam for purposes that would never occur to me, but they are wrong. Aside from building my website and blogging (and rather than the above alleged activities), I read the news, check Facebook seeking old friends and communicating with long lost relatives, do my banking, IM with family and friends and co-workers, shop till I drop, and Tweet just for amusement. I work retail. I love people, really I do, but I get enough face time at work so home is my haven of tranquility. But I digress, my topic is Facebook and Friends.
This past May, I had the great privilege to reconnect with a young man I knew in college. Oops, he’s not young anymore, but then neither am I . He should have 
and 
me back then while he had the chance, but he was too shy and too much into his studies to have his mind distracted by a girl and I was in my own confused space. If I had known how much guff his dorm mates had given him over his affectionate feelings toward me and our date, I might have turned the tables on him and embarrassed him by really giving them something to talk about. Hee hee. But that is ancient history. Today he is in Malaysia, halfway across the world, and I am in Arizona. Nonetheless, thanks to Facebook we chat almost every day on Windows Live Messenger just as if we had never lost touch at all and I would feel lost without his friendship in my life. Thanks for looking me up, Philip.
Yesterday, again thanks to Facebook, I met up with my best friend from junior high, Peggy. For several years, she and I were inseparable, joined at the hip, until our lives took their different turns, some for the worse, some for the better. My family moved across town and changed churches and I left her and a once in a lifetime friendship behind me. She is living in Illinois now, single, with her two pups (as she calls them) and I am a single mother of a large white rabbit named Bubbles. Still, when we got together after all these (more than 30) years, it was as if we had never been separated, so much to talk about, so much in common. We are already talking about me making a trip out to Illinois to visit and the possibility of her moving back to Tucson. I hope we stay connected. I do not want to lose her twice. I’m so glad you took the time to find me, Peg.
So, do I spend too much time on the computer? Um, yes! Is it worth it? Um, Absolutely!
One special day. That is the title of the blog post of my dear friend, Philip, who gave me this year one of the most personal and touching birthday gifts I have ever received. An early present because Philip is 15 hours ahead of me in time. He marked my special day by sharing his musical talent with this special rendition of Somewhere Over the Rainbow. Thank you, my friend, and, God willing, we shall meet someday somewhere over the rainbow.
I received this wonderful early birthday present, but my actual birthday, when it came for me 15+ hours later, went something like this:
It began as an ordinary day. I woke up late, as usual, sped to the McDonald’s across the street for the #9, a Sausage McGriddle Meal with OJ, and an iced Hazelnut Latte. Starving, I crammed it down hurriedly in the car and then ran upstairs to hit the shower, missing the traditional early morning birthday song call from my parents while I was gone. They had to leave a song-a-gram. Aside from that, I didn’t expect much from my special day as I was to spend it working and then after work getting my long overdue hair color touch up at the salon. No birthday presents, no cakes, no candles for me, and, honestly I was okay with that. I’m not big on celebration and ceremony.
The morning came and went with nothing spectacular but a few pleasant smiling birthday greetings from co-workers. At lunchtime, I wandered on over to Subway to grab my standard lunch these days, a meatball sandwich with two cookies and a Coca Cola, and headed back to the break room to eat with my boss and another co-worker. It was during lunch that my day passed from ordinary to extraordinary.
As I was gobbling down my sandwich, my sis and niece and nephew arrived unexpectedly bearing gifts and birthday wishes, transforming my table into a birthday party.
From my niece, an adorable handwritten note and a bunny Webkin, a girl bunny who is meant, I’m sure, to be a companion to my male rabbit, Bubbles.
From my nephew, a card that calls me old (waaaaaaaaaaah!) if I pick up the remote control and hold it to my ear and listen for a dial tone—fortunately, I rarely watch TV—and a sweet floral arrangement. Hopefully, he’ll excuse my phone cord winding through the back of the photo.
And last, but certainly not least, a giant birthday balloon from all along with a Christmas CD I had been wanting from my sistah, who, being an adult, surely will excuse the fact that I was unable to get a good photo or scan of the CD (on second thought, probably, NOT).
Following on the heels of the departure of my sis and crew, came my hair stylist with a gynormous piece of carrot cake that had three layers and was therefore perfectly suited to divide and share with the three of us who were at the table. 
What are the odds of that, eh? And then, not too long after lunch, I was surprised by my co-workers, with a rousing rendition of the birthday song and bunch of cupcakes iced all together into a giant cupcake during our Monday afternoon meeting. It looked like a cross between a mushroom cloud and a cupcake. Wish I had been carrying my camera with me. Not only that, but I was absolved of being MOD by two of my co-workers who generously took over for me in honor of my special day.
The best part of the mini party with my work buddies was the note left on my card by the store manager. It made my day, especially because I know she meant it from the heart.
But that’s not all. After a relaxing trip to the salon, I spent some enjoyable time leisurely shopping and while doing so received a call from my mother who was disappointed that she was not going to get to see me on my birthday. What could I do but make a trip over to mom and dad’s house for a nice visit and some more lovely gifts, one of which was a lighted, magnified makeup mirror which I need desperately now that my close vision is deteriorating. My parents also gave me two nice warm tops and a beautiful purple top that I was able to wear to work the next day where I received several compliments.
And so………..all in all, this was One Special Day. I am blessed with wonderful family, friends, and co-workers! Thank you to everyone who helped make my ordinary day extraordinary!
And so here I am wondering. Several months ago I went through a moulting process, desperately seeking to shed the image of a Bipolar person; i.e., a person whose life revolves solely around the fact that she lives with Bipolar Disorder, a person who lives and breathes nothing but the highs and lows and changeability. I wanted my life to be defined by the many other parts of me rather than just by a disease. All this I did while in a bit of a maniacal state following some hurtful words by a friend that made me feel unfit for a relationship due to my diagnosis. I don’t regret deleting my other blog. At least I don’t think I do. I believe the tortured emotional state I went through due to my friend’s words caused me to outgrow it or want to move beyond it, but the fact remains that I do live with Bipolar Disorder. It is a part of me. As much as I don’t want to dwell on it or whine about it, I do need to talk about it. I do need to let loose and just say whatever is on my mind occasionally.
Since October, I have neglected this blog because I’m not sure really what to do with it. My now defunct blog, One Bipolar Life, was started with a purpose. I wanted to talk about Bipolar Disorder, share my experiences and ideas with the hope that I might encourage and/or educate others who are struggling. This I think I did for a few years with some success. Seeking the Wisdom of the Creator, I started while on the run, so to speak. I was running from myself and a perceived image. I had no concrete idea for keeping the blog moving in any particular direction. I guess I just wanted it to be about truth and to represent the real me, the whole me. I wanted it to represent anything but mental illness, and I guess I wanted to prove to my friend that he was wrong about me. I don’t know if I have done that, but I have moved beyond the desire to worry about it and the desire to try to be anything but who and what I am.
And so here I am wondering. What do I do with this blog. I now have another blog–one in which I do not conceal my identity and which conveys my interest in computers and Internet and well just whatever is on my mind without getting too personal. I kind of like it best because it is not too heavy. On the other hand, I need this bloggy when I am feeling the need to unburden my heart and mind about something or maybe a bunch of nothing. So, what do I do with this blog? I guess I’ll keep it and visit it not often, but when I need it, it will be here for me.
